Well I guess we can all remember Adam Burwoods art to playing our course? well I will do my version of it....
Hole 1.
Right here we go then, its a lovely day and we are about to tee off....
Grab a five iron out of your bag and aim for the path at the top of the bank that way if you thin the ball you still have a chance of getting over the bank but if you hit a good one watch out for that wicked slice which will put you nicely in the 2 small trees requiring a miracle shot or a penalty drop. After you have hit your second shot(hoping that your first was ok) get your sand wedge ready because you know your going in the front bunker. Now when you finally get out of the bunker take your 3 putts if you are lucky and progress to the second tee mumbling about how your back hurts or you was working late( works for me)
Hole 2.
Now here's where the fun begins, get the big dog out and spank that ball as hard as you can, you are aiming for the center of the fairway but generally you will end up in or over the big trees on the right. As you walk up with your opponents (who have hit theres straight and wished you wasn't here) tell a joke or make up more stories of why you have messed up again. Now second shot hoping that you have a line through the trees take out the 3 wood because you know you will thin it so you wont have to worry about it hitting the tops of the trees (probably will hit the bottoms though) and you will hopefully find you have a clear shot just over the bunkers but short of the new rough. Now hack your way up to the green with whatever club you like because at this stage your opponents dont want to keep waiting for you so forget the practice swings and hurry along.
Hole 3.
Now you are nicely settled into a rythm and ready to make amends for the rubbish start. Get the driver out again and have another go but this time try to hit it even harder (this will impress your opponents even if you miss hit it) Now when you walk up to the trees on the left moan and groan about how unfair it is that your ball has ended up in that annoying little bunker and get a club out that is far to much for that lip and just hit the ball out. Now get the 3 wood out again and try your hardest not to go on the big mound to the left but on doing this you know damned well you are going into the rough on the right and you WILL NOT find your ball. Now just have a casual walk up with your opponents forgetting all about that ball and just comment on what great shots they have just played (B******S)
Hole 4.
Right, Driver in hand smack the ball into the rough behind the 6th tee and dont even bother looking for it just walk along with your opponents again congratulating them on those shots you wish you could do.
Hole 5.
The par 3 that you can correct all those errors from earlier. Hit your 5 iron off the mat and progress to the left where you have hooked it but things are not too bad you have a nice clear line in and that full lob wedge is the club. make your practice swing (perfect) now hit the ball........ Oh look there is a new bunker you have just created, all the green keeper needs is 2 tonne of sand to put in it. Move that 10 feet that your ball has just gone and try again and again and again...... Give up.
Hole 6.
Homeward bound. Take the driver again and aim for carless refinery that way that wicked slice will put you nicely in the center of the fairway. Chat to your opponents about how you hit that ball perfectly. Second shot 150 yards out its a simple 7 iron straight into the pond (oooooooohhhhhhhh that hurt) Now take a drop just short of the pond take a practice swing with your sand wedge address the ball and this time shut your eyes and watch how it floats nicely onto the green. (laugh to your opponents about the force and yoda) 3 putts again and we are moving swiftly onto the 7th.
Hole 7.
Hit an 8 iron onto the green and beg for mercy that it does not go into the bunkers. 3 putts if succesfull and we are walking away with a bogey.....Result.
Hole 8.
With a newly found confidence you feel 10feet tall so you stand on the tee, driver in hand and bang the ball flies off into that big tree on the left and somehow manages to drop it out right next to the fence, take your drop and hit a 7 iron to the 150 yard marker. 7 iron again and this time you know it will end up in the right hand bunker just short of the green but you are getting closer to that clubhouse or being exact that fosters pump. scramble the ball out of the bunker 3 putts again and off we go to the final hole.
Hole 9.
The final hole. Par 3 (Yea right) take out your 3 wood, you know this is not enough club so when you just clear the bank groan about how the wind/cold/rain/heel/toe/ball or anything that you can make up for not reaching the green. second shot still 70 yards left to go, is it the sand wedge or lob wedge? you decide because you cant hit either correctly so it does not matter one bit. 3 more hits and you are on the green for 4.... well done. now dont even bother putting because everybody is looking out of the clubhouse window and you have made yourself look like an idiot all day (no point adding to the shame) Shake hands move briskly to the locker room where you will ask what everybody is drinking to try to make up for the fact that you was c**p......
This is in no way aimed at anybody other than my self (Greg Mann) so if you think you could beat me.... You can bet your house on it.